I should be in bed right now. Like, RIGHT right now. You see, I’m supposed to be up in three hours to get ready for a concrete pour that some bright spark scheduled for a time of day I usually associate with hangings and other unpleasant and unhealthy activities. So, naturally, I couldn’t sleep. Might as well be working before I go to work. *facepalm*
On the upside, I’m listening to the signed CD of the Steph Johnson Trio I picked up at Groovefest this weekend and which I’m just now getting the chance to listen to all the way through for the first time. It’s called Nature Girl, and is probably one of the best jazz albums I’ve ever listened to as a whole leaving aside Dave Brubeck and Miles Davis. Her voice reminds me of Amy Winehouse, only more mature, or maybe Minga, and her backing musicians are top-notch jazz players. The lyrics are excellent: simple, meaningful, and universally relatable, as all the best lyrics are. Although she was clearly tired, having been up all night to get to Cedar City for the show, she was very sweet and sunny when I approached her after her set about picking up her CD. If I wasn’t listening to it right now, I’d post a pic of it.
Maybe next time. :)
In other news, Dusk: Tides of Astaroth comes out Thursday from Changeling Press, just in time for the Fourth of July weekend. I confess to a certain amount of perplexity, because it feels like Darkness Rising just came out and now I’m gearing up for another release. I’m not complaining, mind you: this is more of a commentary on the extremely subjective nature of time. Finish the book and hit send. Blink and you’re in edits. Turn around for a second, and the thing’s about to hit the public eye. It’s good to finally have the whole story out there, so those who have been waiting to see how the cliffhanger at the end of Darkness Rising resolved itself get their chance at long last. And, of course, there’s the beautiful cover from Renee George!
Having been pretty much consumed with the Dusk project for the last half a year, I look back and I’m not at all sure where the time went. I’ve launched two new projects, gotten through another semester of college, and started a new job, but MAN! has it been frantic running. Book signings, Litfest, administrative and volunteer duties…I honestly don’t know how people like Jim Butcher do it. Just thinking of everything I’ve accomplished this year under the press of a schedule that would send a lot of people scrambling for a dark, quiet place to lay down wears me out!
This leads me to a more serious announcement, but I feel like some explanation is in order before I get to it.
Over the last several months, I’ve noticed a growing sense of, I suppose you could call it unease. A big part of this has been financial, because fiction writing and freelancing certainly aren’t making the kind of money required to keep a household going right now. (Much of this relates to my unwillingness to expend the kind of time necessary to chase larger clients on the bigger freelancing sites. My work is pretty reasonable, but I can’t afford to give it away on a slim chance that out of twenty or thirty freelancers, someone will be willing to give me a chance.)
More of it is just a sense that maybe I’m losing my way. It’s easy to get frustrated and question the wisdom of engaging in an activity whose ROI after nearly five years isn’t anything like what one would reasonably expect. Couple that with the fact that since September of 2013 I have released six works and started four more, not counting academic papers, and I look back with a sense of satisfaction…but also a lot of weariness. It’s not burnout, exactly. I know what burnout feels and looks like, and this isn’t it. I’m still excited about my projects and I still believe in them, and myself. I still think I have something of value to say and something unique to bring to the table. But when I think of all the things I have on my plate, the idea of vegging on the couch starts to sound really good, really fast.
Another big slice of the problem is a recently discovered feeling of being in a box. I dislike this feeling intensely, because I never wanted to be a “_____” author. I still love erotica, erotic romance, and romance in general…but I think maybe it’s time to start expanding my horizons again before I get caught up in something whose gravity I can never escape.
All this, coupled with personal and professional hiccups, jags and derailments, has left me at a crossroads where I need to decide just which direction I’m going. There are a lot of options, but only one solution that seems to address all the issues I’m having at the moment.
This is not a pity party, and if I’ve left anyone with that impression, I apologize. Blame it on too little sleep and the time being way too early in the morning. But I felt some explanation was in order before I drop this bombshell on you, gentle reader, so you understand where I’m coming from.
As from today, I have one project to clear off my desk. That project is Everyday Angels, which I expect to have done and publication-ready save for some minor publisher-level edits this weekend. Once that’s done, I have decided to take a one-year sabbatical from publishing. Notice I do not say “from writing.” I couldn’t give up writing any more than I could give up breathing. However, I think the time has come to take a pause and look at the market trends, what more successful authors are doing that I’m not, and generally rediscover myself and writing for the sheer hell of it rather than to meet a publication deadline.
See, here’s the thing, and I just realized how to put it into words while I paused for a cigarette: Writing is about life. You have to LIVE in order to have anything worth writing about, and the last little while I’ve felt like I’m observing life rather than living it. That’s a dangerous headspace for a writer to be in, because there’s no inspiration there. Listening to smooth jazz and seeing what other writers do is all very fine and good, but saying something original requires first doing something original. If you’re not living your life, then what can you possibly have to say? This is the quandary I’ve been fighting with for a while now, without ever really knowing how to explain it until now. Guess there’s something to be said for late-night inspiration after all.
And, fear not…I’ll still be around the bar, commenting on things that interest, irritate and infuriate me. I’ll also be working hard to bring new stories to the table for when I return. And I’ll still be reachable here or through my email and the usual social media channels, although my time may be somewhat restricted until I get back into the swing of balancing writing, school and working full-time.
In the meantime, I wish you all happy reading, joy, and lots of love. Just because I’m taking a little time to do me doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about YOU! :)
Until next time,
Best,
J.S. Wayne
